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Parenting > Parenting Teens

How to Build a Relationship with Your Teen
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Do you feel alienated from your teen? Is she gaining more independence from home and more dependence on her peers? Do your attempts to learn more about your teen's life get met with accusations of "butting in"? So how to you keep growing your relationship with your teen while still giving her space?

Youth speaker and author Michael Ross says in his book, How to Speak Alien: Invading Your Teens' World Without Invading Their Space, the keys to parenting a teen are love, relationship and time. The following are some of Ross' tips for developing that relationship with your teen:

Show Your Love

Let your teen know how much you love her through actions, not just words. Discover what your teen's love language is and focus on that. Whether it is showing affection or giving thoughtful gifts or even just giving an encouraging word, take the time to show your teen love in a way that is most meaningful to her.

Spend Time with Your Teen

In addition to your child's love language, your teen will also recognize love as the time you spend with them. They may fight those family commitments, but they will also remember your efforts in making them a priority in your life.

Engage in some one-on-one time with your teen and take him somewhere fun, whether it is a sports game or a favorite restaurant. Or take your daughter for a spa or shopping day, or have a "slumber party" at a local hotel for a girls' getaway.

Open Up

In addition to attempting to understand your teen, help your teen understand you. She may feel you don't understand what she's going through, but open up about what life was like for you as a teen. This might even provide an opportunity for your teen to share about her own life. You might even find some great conversation starters in talking about your life now and the challenges you face as an adult.

And as difficult as it may be, Ross also recommends being open about your own weaknesses. He says, "It's okay to admit that your actions don't always match your convictions. Too often, we think that by saying the words, 'I blew it,' we're somehow weaker. Actually, just the opposite is true. A teenager admires someone who has the courage to admit his or her mistakes."

Become a Role Model

Your teen is watching you carefully to see how you handle ethical situations and how you treat other people. So always be aware that, good or bad, you are modeling behavior for your children.

Ross says that sometimes teens don't view their parents as role models because the teen thinks their parents are "judgmental and unconcerned about their lives." So if you want to be heard by your teen, be sure to be understanding, not condescending, when your teen comes to you with a problem.

And let your teen know you are always available to listen to her. Ross suggests, "Say phrases such as 'I'm always here for you' or 'I'd love to hear about your day.' Don't apply pressure, but let your teen know you are there for him or her." In addition, resist the temptation to railroad your teen with advice. Instead, be a good listener and help your teen problem-solve with her own ideas.

The road to a close relationship with your teen may be long, but it will be worth the effort.

Copyright by Family First 2006. All rights reserved.