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View Article Family Life > Family Living
How to Avoid Getting Emotionally "Bulldozed" by Others "That long [Canadian] frontier from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, guarded only by neighborly respect and honorable obligations, is an example to every country and a pattern for the future of the world." - Winston Churchill Have you ever wished for something all your life, but you figured it would never happen, and then suddenly your dream came true? That's what took place for me (Gary), and it was great…for a while. I had a crazy wish to drive a big, yellow, powerful bulldozer and build my own road. My opportunity came when my wife and I bought a small farm. I rented the biggest bulldozer I could find and spent an entire week "leveling" dirt mounds, large rows of rocks-basically, anything that appeared to need it. A few days later, I was sitting in my home when I heard a knock at the front door. I opened it, and there stood one of my new neighbors. "Hi, neighbor," I said with a smile. Without any pleasantries, he responded, "We've got a problem." "We do?" I asked. "Yeah. One of your workman bulldozed my rock fence and some of my cattle are missing." "Ohhh," I managed to say while I tried to remember if I had leveled any rock fences. Knowing full well that I most likely ran over his fence, I attempted to relieve the tension through the use of humor, "Yeah, it's so hard to find good help today, isn't it?" My little dream having came true ended up costing me thousands of dollars to replace my neighbor's fence and replace his lost cattle. In a similar sense, I (Gary) tend to be a human bulldozer, and no one is more affected by this weakness than my wife. I've lost count of how many times I have bulldozed over her emotional fence. And also, too often, I have allowed others to break through my "fence." Part of what we've been learning is that everyone has an imaginary fence around us-like a property line-that defines where a person starts and ends. It defines who and what we are, what we are comfortable with, what our needs are, what is appropriate, what is inappropriate, and what causes us to feel safe. Part of a person's unhappiness can relate back to their inability to establish a clear boundary of where his or her identity ends and another person's begins. Our feelings let us know what type of fences we have. If we are being loved, we have pleasant feelings. If we are not experiencing love, we may have unpleasant feelings. We often control our feelings based on the fences we set for ourselves. In other words, other people cannot control our feelings. We cannot say, "You keep me upset!" No, we control our choices. We can set limits on what others say to us and what we allow ourselves to do with the information they give us. Three Types of Fences A healthy fence can reduce the harm to you, but also allow you to reach out to others in loving and caring ways. Fences are needed for our own happiness and well being. But some people build fences around themselves that create unhappiness for them and can attempt to rob us of our happiness. So we need to understand them and rebuild any fences that could lead us to unhappiness. There are three kinds to fences. Two of the three are more unhealthy, the third one is leaning toward the healthy type. As each one is explained, you will probably see yourself in one of the unhealthy types. In your mind, however, keep pushing yourself towards that healthy fence. That's where all of us need to be if we're going to control our own level of happiness. 1. The Fence With the "No Trespassing" Sign. Imagine a fence with a huge sign hanging from one of its pickets stating "No Trespassing." An important aspect of this fence is that it only has a door handle on the inside of its gate. The person with this type of fence would be considered withdrawn, distant or disconnected from life. But there is also a side of them that can be dominant and aggressive. 2. The Fence With the "Members Only" Sign. In your mind's eye, envision a fence with a sign hanging from a stake saying, "Members Only." This person's life is completely wrapped around the lives of others close to him or her...usually the family. The problem here is simple: there is no clear sense of personal identity. The fences are shared. His fence is your fence. It's not, "I have a problem." Instead it's, "We have a problem." Anything that bothers him is something that bothers all that are around him. They find their identity with whoever they are with. These first two fences are more unhealthy in nature, while this last fence reflects positive health. Let's take a look. 3. The Fence With the "Welcome" Sign. This fence has a gate with a doorknob on both sides, and a "Welcome" sign hanging out front. This fence promotes sharing and true intimacy. This person knows where he or she ends and another begins. For example, I've (Gary) learned to knock on my wife's gate, instead of bulldozing my way in as I did in the past. When I knock, I ask my wife, "May I come in and talk?" And she has the freedom to say, "Yes" or "No." I have learned to accept her answer too. If she says, "No. Let's talk later," I know that is best and wait for the proper time. If we want to experience personal happiness, we must take 100% control of our lives, including how we respond to others. You can sum this all up in two very significant observations, both of which contribute to our level of happiness in life. We call them the two sides of a healthy gate. One observation concerns others, the second concerns you. Both of them must be kept in mind to experience personal happiness.
Clearly defining who we are is essential. It can make or break our love for life and the satisfaction we receive from relationships built on respect and honor. Learning this concept and beginning to respect the boundaries of our wives, children, and friends has literally changed our lives, and we're glad to say we'll never be the same as before. © 2003 Smalley Relationship Center. All rights reserved. This article was reprinted with permission. Please do not publish this article without direct consent from the Smalley Relationship Center. Family First is not authorized to permit the reproduction of articles contributed to FamilyFirst.net by non-staff authors. blog comments powered by Disqus |
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