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Parenting > Grandparenting

Building a Relationship with Your Grandchildren
By: Family First Staff
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Building a Relationship

Grandparents play a vital role in the lives of children. Not only do grandparents provide love and stability, they have the potential to contribute to the child's moral development, as well. In fact, Jay Kesler states it best in his book, Grandparenting: The Agony and Ecstasy: "Grandparents can become carriers of culture from one generation to the next, connecting links that keep society rooted in past values."  

Whether a grandparent lives close by or miles away, they can begin building a relationship with their grandchildren by first understanding their needs. According to Kesler, grandchildren need security, quality time, acceptance and love. Once grandparents understand that children need this dependable, unconditional love and are willing to give it, they can then seek to build a relationship. 

Finding Common Ground

Kesler suggests that grandparents find common ground with their grandchildren. They may not have the same interests in music or television, but there are certain life experiences that are shared between generations. For example, grandparents can relate to the growing pains that children face, such as fitting in at school. They can also find common ground in the struggle to find self-acceptance, peer acceptance, becoming independent, and finding faith.  

Kesler encourages, "Grandparents can reinforce hope for the future by sharing their stories of the past... We cannot spare them most of the struggles and failures of life. We can, however, demonstrate that after a long life filled with battles and victories, we can come out on the other side and do so with grace." And while older generations may not understand certain behaviors now accepted in society, they can provide children with a solid moral background to help them make their own right choices.

Modeling Character Traits

Grandparents also have the power to model behavior necessary for children's character development. They can remain patient in difficult circumstances, show compassion to others, take care of possessions to show responsibility and frugality, practice their faith with joy, and engage children in household projects to show the value of self-reliance and hard work. Lessons are around every corner, and grandparents can take the opportunity in simple ways to model good character.

Building Memories

Grandparents and grandchildren alike enjoy building memories together. Whether it is baking cookies, playing games or reading books together, children will always remember the quality times they shared with their grandparents. And while some grandparents are not able to spend much time with their grandchildren, they can still form lasting memories during their visits. Kesler suggests grandparents begin a tradition with their grandchildren, whether it's a particular game or activity, during visits. He gives the example of coloring Easter eggs together each year, having the children help set the table whenever they come to visit, having a special place for the children to sit at the dinner table, or staying up late to eat popcorn and talk. This continuity will help solidify lasting memories.

Providing Support

Grandparents are also crucial during the difficult times. In the case of parental divorce, "grandchildren are confused and hurt and often filled with anger, resentment and guilt that they really don't understand. The role of the grandparent at this time is one of providing a fair and objective listening ear and a place of security and love," says Kesler. And an accepting relationship with a grandparent will help provide the support needed for healing -- whether the pain is caused by divorce or another difficulty.

Learning to Co-Grandparent

Kesler warns grandparents about competing with other grandparents the children have. Grandparents must realize that (in most situations) the children will be spending time with the other grandparents. And while both sets of grandparents may have similarities, they may have many differences, such as the amount of money available to spend on the grandchildren or physical capabilities. One set of grandparents may have a nice house full of amenities, have a membership to a country club or even live near the beach or an amusement park, while the other set lives more simply or even in a nursing home. Or perhaps one set of grandparents lives nearby, while another set lives miles away.  

However, grandparents must remember not to turn loving their family into a competition or source of resentment. Kesler advises to set ground rules, such as always speaking kindly and supportively of the other grandparents, sharing in the children's joy when they've visited the other grandparents, and generally not appearing jealous or disappointed whenever the other grandparents are mentioned. He challenges with, "This takes a bit of maturity, but maturity is what we have to offer as grandparents. If we can't offer maturity, all we have to offer is old age -- and getting old is not the same as being mature. Maturity produces graciousness, patience, wisdom, and other virtues."

And while like any relationship, there will be ups and downs, and possible interferences, the grandparent-grandchild relationship has some of the sweetest, most unique benefits of all.

This article is based on the book, Grandparenting: The Agony and Ecstasy, by Jay Kesler. Order from Amazon.com.